Oh the Sensitivity

Sometimes it can really suck being sensitive.  Add that on top of a hormone party almost 2 years in the making, and you've got yourself one crazy mama.

In regard to the former, I've tried to change it.  I've tried to be tough---and regarding some things, I have certainly build up a good shell, all shellacked up with a hearty protective coating, letting things just roll right off.

In many ways, however, I'm still like 5 year old Danielle whose feelings were hurt because Martin didn't want to play house any more, or because Erica invited Elizabeth over to play, but not me.  Or the dozens and dozens of times in my life when I was not included, or someone criticized a bit too harshly, or boys wouldn't dance with me at the middle school dances, or I didn't get a certain part in a play.....and the list goes on and on. 

A mullet, butch AND perm?  Oy.

                                    

To be fair, I was a bit of a target.

 Seriously, I remember getting heart twangs of anxiety when groups of people were gathered around laughing and carrying on because I was CONVINCED they were laughing at me.

It is quite an interesting thing, this conundrum of humanity.  In our self-centeredness we are convinced that everything is about us.  A lack of invitation (to play, dine, etc.) could never be due to something as sensible as lack of space or desire for intimate gathering, but must just MUST represent an utter rejection of us.  A solo or role unearned could certainly not be due to someone else's voice/acting fitting the song/role better, but HAD to be the complete failure and lack of talent on our part.

These examples are completely ridiculous and do not AT ALL reflect anything that has gone through my mind.  No, no, not ever......  ;)

I'm 29 years old,  so it really knocks me to my knees when I get those heart palpitations of self-conscious sensitivity.

At the same time, it is this very sensitivity that allows me a deep emotional awareness of other people, an ability to empathize and a desire to be as inclusive as possible.  (Admittedly ad nauseam sometimes for that last one).

The Missionaries of Charity, Mother Teresa's order,  pray a beautiful Litany of Humility which has been an enormous boon for me at times when I am suffocated by my need to be consulted, loved, included and regarded.   I hope it be a help to you also.

   
 Mama T, pray for us!!

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...
From the fear of being suspected ...

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I ...
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should… 

Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930)
Secretary of State for Pope Saint Pius X